How would children survive a zombie apocalypse

You know it's thriller, thriller night
You're fighting for your life inside a killer, thriller tonight

It's not as if we had a heart of stone before the children were born. But with the birth of the little plasticizers, it becomes as soft as a piece of butter placed in sunlight. That, in turn, is extremely counterproductive if you B. the Walking Dead looks where parents and their children are in apocalyptic mortal danger.

If you had a fictional pleasure in the idea of ​​shooting your way through a zombie-overrun small town without children, nowadays you prefer to dig yourself a fictional hole to play the apocalypse there with the entire family.

The whole empathic distance that used to allow us to have no mercy, even with zombie children, now makes us as parent spectators freeze the highly sensitive blood in our veins.

Maybe we should just put together a fictional team with whom we as a family have a realistic chance of surviving the zombie apocalypse.

Make way, Rick and Daryl. Here comes:

The zombie apocalypse survival team with the rating "family-friendly"

1. Carrying advisor

In addition to the children, we certainly have to carry various things again and again at a run. In any case, I would like my children to be rocked through the apocalypse in the anatomically correct spread-squat position next to the shotgun and canteen.

(That does not mean, however, that you should insult and teach other mothers who transport their children in - funnily enough so-called - horror carriers during the looting of a supermarket. Please focus all bashing on the undead.)

2. Waldorf educator

Given the idea of ​​felted nail guns and the eurythmy presentation of “Help! Help! Don't bite me! ”He is very happy, but in the long term it is certainly of immense advantage for us and future generations if we understand something about handicrafts, horticulture and field surveying.

3. Role player

I cannot stress enough how many advantages role-playing can bring. They are able to think outside the mainstream, dive into different roles, come up with the craziest plans and usually have a great deal of theoretical knowledge about the manufacture and use of weapons.

Unfortunately, they are often not very tight. But as long as their close combat strategy does not consist of throwing a handful of dice in the face of a shuffling undead, their otherness certainly has considerably more advantages than disadvantages for the implementation of some tasks.

4. Shaolin monk

Let's keep in mind that this is the zombie apocalypse. So we will need someone who accompanies us spiritually and who can still start a proper fight. Since most of the clergy I know can only hand out rhetorically rather than physically (apart from maybe Don Camillo), I have chosen a Shaolin monk.

Shaolin monks are not only excellent "cut-off zombies-kindling", they always keep their meditative calm and will (in view of apocalyptic and hairstyle conditions) simply never pull their hair.

5. Rupert Murdoch

Every team needs a leader. Someone who is the first to enter the apparently deserted small town, who is the vanguard on hardware store raids or who first sticks his nose into a dark forest.

Why did Ruper Murdoch of all people qualify for this extremely important role?
Because he is responsible for the cancellation of the series "Firefly". Amongst other things.

6. Fool

Let's not kid ourselves. Every zombie apocalypse needs someone who screams hysterically, walks in the wrong direction, whose physical constitution leaves a lot to be desired, and who you only want to give a loaded gun with raised eyebrows, because he probably shot himself in both feet before he meets a zombie.

In other words, every single mother I came across in the last 5 years in Pekip-Krabbelgruppen-Musikgarten-Stilltreff-Parents' Advisory Board meeting (including me).
But it's not our fault. It's because we're just ALWAYS tired.

Still, we wouldn't even find a single hooligan in the Lazio stadium who is even remotely as violent as a mother whose children are in danger.

7. Hero

Every end-time team stands or falls (less) with a hero.
When looking for an apocalyptic leader, I naturally thought of highly decorated civil service objectors like the very, very, very cool Kara "Starbuck" Thrace (Battlestar Galactica) or the smart Colonel John "Hannibal" Smith (A-Team).

But also hardened end-time professionals like Buffy "The Vampire Slayer" or Xena, the warrior princess have sufficient experience in fighting with the undead and other apocalyptic rabble.

In the end, however, I decided on the former Schalke professional Hans Sarpei.

Because even if you disregard the fact that Hans Sarpei activates the immune system (!) And can order three beers with two fingers (!!!), he has the one, all-important ability, which has all the characteristics of all the people mentioned above is sublime:

If Hans Sarpei is bitten by a zombie, Hans Sarpei does not turn into a zombie, but the zombie in Hans Sarpei.


So we can watch calmly again in the future when a horde of the undead wants to bite the stinking world domination. Because if the viral end of the world should really take hold at some point, we and the whole family will simply cling to the zombie-resistant heels of Hans Sarpei.

Because the post-zombie apocalyptic world that we will eventually leave behind for our children will be a better world.

A world full of Hans Sarpeis.


For Matthias.
To my complete happiness I am only missing a prenuptial agreement with the following content (based on Sheldon Lee Cooper's Roommate Agreement):
"In the event one family member is ask by a zombie, the other family member can't kill him, even if he turns".

For Claudia and Lisanne,
mexplain a zombie dehydration theory.
You are wonderful.
I'll run over you anyway if you get infected. <3

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Posted on by andreaharmonika This entry was posted in General and tagged Squat-Spread Position, Buffy, Hans Sarpei, Role Player, Rupert Murdoch, Smurfs, Carrying Advice, Waldorf Pedagogue, Softener, Zombie Apocalypse. Save the permalink in your favorites.